by img academy that. kind of looked like that. we'lbe shooting better thant o . that if we do. >> you >>o'donnell: two rare emperor tamarin monkeys are missing from the dallas zoo. police say the monkeys' enclosure was apparently cut open and the animals stolen. >> we have a suspect in the monkey kidnapping case. we're going in, go go. >> suspect is dressed in yellow, wearing a tall hat, approach with caution. >> i think we're in big trouble, george. they're on to me. but they won't take us alive! >> uh ooh ooh ooh ooh. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight: c.d.-see ya! plus, stephen welcomes: jessica chastain

and jay shetty featuring louis cato and the late show band! and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪♪ (cheering and applause) >> stephen: hey! there you are. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: happy tuesday. hey everybody! thank you very much. here, up there, thank you very much.

please have a seat everybody! (cheering and applause) >> stephen: thank you. thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you thomas. welcome, welcome one and all to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, i come to you tonight breathing easy, because the white house has finally announced, they plan to end the covid public health emergency in may. take that covid, we beat you. shove that up your nose and rotate it five times! this has been a long time coming. i wish you could see the smiles on the faces in my audience. and i wish i could, too. because they're still wearing masks. the end is near, the end is near! this is a huge moment, after all the covid we've been through-- the delta variant, omicron, omicron ba-2, xbb.1.5, z-95,

the home of classic rock. for the record, the white house isn't saying covid is gone. just that we're past the worst of it, and we can now treat the virus as "an endemic threat to public health that can be managed." so, covid's no longer an emergency, just a disease we're all going to live with forever. phew? oh, speaking of things that won't go wap. we've got an update on new york congressman george santos, seen here after taking a latte that was clearly marked "susan." (laughter) >> stephen: take the money and run. looks like santos may be meeting some constituents.

meeting yesterday with kevin mccarthy, today santos announced he is stepping down from his committee assignments: the committee on small business and the committee on science, space, and technology. okay, now they won't benefit from his expertise! after all, santos was the first dog in space. we're also learning about santos's district office in queens. reporters went there this week and found that the awning is still labeled for the previous congressman, thomas r. suozzi. so, even his office has an alias. fun fact: before it was the previous congressman's office, the space was a massage parlor that neighbors worried sold more than just foot rubs. (laughter) >> stephen: so once again. santos has brought great shame-- this time to a former massage parlor. because unlike his constituents, at least the people who went there got a happy ending. (cheering and applause) >> stephen: happy ending, yes! there is some real congressional business going on at the office.

in fact, recently, one of santos's constituents had called in search of a college recommendation for his son. santos is famous for his college recommendation: don't go, and say you did. oh here's a little bit of good news. manhattan prosecutors have started presenting a case against the former president to a grand jury. specifically, the stormy daniels hush money case. (applause) >> stephen: aww, shucky ducky. stormy daniels is back, baby! it's 2018 all over again. everybody get horny for salt bae and what else happened? tide pods! for those of you who don't remember the stormy daniels scandal, gather ye round, and i will tell thee a tale of woe and whoa. allegedly, daniels definitely had sex with the former president after a celebrity golf tournament in 2006. daniels says that during their

encounter of sexing, then-"apprentice" host asked her to spank him with his own magazine, that had a picture of his face on it. now, if you're having trouble imagining that, it's all chronicled in the movie, "50 shades of (vomit sound)." [applause] >> stephen: stormy did not give the former president a five star review. saying "it may have been the least impressive sex i'd ever had," and said the former president had a male member like the mushroom character in "mario kart." i believe we have a statement from his penis? >> kill me! >> stephen: now, none of that is a crime. but, this is. in the run-up to the 2016 election, the former president's lawyer, michael cohen, paid

stormy daniels a $130,000 hush agreement to not discuss their alleged affair. affair, really? isn't "affair" kind of a fancy word for a three-minute spank n' boink? it's kind of like calling a meth lab, "maison du crank." then, the former president, who was a candidate for federal office, recorded the payment as "legal fees." that is, to use technical legal jargon, illegal. in new york, it's called fraud, so if the jury indicts, he could face up to four years in prison. (cheering and applause) >> stephen: i never thought i would say this about that man but -- four more years! four more years! four more years! (applause) >> stephen: the former president is on the defense,

truthing last night, "the radical-left manhattan d.a. just leaked that they are still going after the stormy 'horseface' daniels bull. they long ago missed the statute of limitations. never had an affair! this is old news!" that's a bit of a scattershot defense. "i'm innocent! plus, i committed that crime years ago, it didn't happen, and you'll never catch me!" here's something everybody likes to talk about. monkeys, they look amazingly like us in a vest and otiny hat. there's a whole lot going on, i'll tell you all about it in my new segment, stephen colbert's monkey mysteries. >> stephen colbert's: monkey mysteries! >> eeeehh-eeeh-ahh-ahh! >> stephen: the first monkey mystery comes from texas, where the dallas zoo believes two of its monkeys were stolen.

let's see these missing monkeys. holy lorax! finally proof that wilford brimley evolved from an ape! (applause) but these missing monkeys are merely the tip of the dallas zoo mystery-berg, because earlier this month, a young clouded leopard escaped from its exhibit through a cut-out hole. fortunately, zoo officials announced that the leopard was spotted. thank you very much. thank you, joseph, thank you. thank you. that joke from little richie dom age 8. thank you rich eva. our next case in our magical monkey mystery tour comes from louisiana, where police are looking for 12 squirrel monkeys stolen from a local zoo. no! 12 monkeys?! this is just like that movie: "101 dalmatians!" if the monkeys were dogs, and

there were 89 more monkeys! authorities are overwhelmed. here's the local police chief: >> about 32 years in law enforcement, hadn't really investigated the theft of squirrel monkeys. but we're going to continue investigating, just like any other crime that has taken place. >> stephen: which raises the question: how does this guy investigate any other crime that has taken place? "someone's robbed the bank! quick, check the tree tops! and lock down the bananas!" now, police are asking locals for help finding the 12 missing monkeys, saying, "if you hear anything suspicious, such as within a neighbor's home or noises that are out of the norm, let law enforcement know." i'm saying: that could lead to some strange phone calls. "hi, 911? i'm looking at my neighbor's house, and i think i just saw 12 little monkeys. jumping on the bed. one fell down and bumped his head. now it's just 11 little monkeys on the bed. we've got a great show for you tonight! my guests are jessica chastain, and the author of "8 rules of love," jay shetty. but when we come back, "meanwhile!"

no more monkeys jumping on the bed! >> the late show with stephen colbert, sponsored by.

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for the late show band! uh-huh, uh-huh. louis. >> stephen. >> stephen: louis, we have jessica chastain she's on broadway. she's on broadway at a doll's house doing ibsen's doll's house and then we have author of april of love, jay shetty. a former monk. oh for everybody out there who did not know, was it last week, two weeks ago, something, last week tom hanks was over here and we did a game bees sometimes do,

called maybe coming soon, my graphics department has made up the posters for those, those movies and tom and i signed all of the posters for that bit over here and these posters, let me get this right, these are all on auction right now on ebay, go to that spot, or go to col betterlateshow.com/ebay, to bid on those posters, go get 'em, y'all, it's one of a kind. (applause) >> i'd bid on that! >> stephen: all right. folks, if you watched the show you know i spend most of my time right over there, picking through the day's biggest news stories, then coiling them inside hand-sewn cotton and surrounding them in ten layers of horsetail fibers, talalay

latex, and joma wool to present you with the kluft palais royal mattress that is my monologue. but sometimes, sometimes, folks, just sometimes, i stumble through a construction site while on the run after snitching on the triads, rip the plastic off a pile of bricks, fill it with roofing nails and joinery staples, then chuck some fiberglass insulation over it and collapse onto the dilapidated box spring of news that is my segment: "meanwhile!" (cheering and applause) >> stephen: there it is, there is, bing! bing! and boom! meanwhile, there's news about fireball, the liquor that answers the question, "what if big red gum could (bleep) you up?" consumers are suing the makers of fireball whiskey, because there is no whiskey in the mini-bottles of fireball sold in gas stations. what?!

but this revelation destroys the reputation of groceries i buy at gas stations. next, you're going to tell me that slim jims contain no jim. but the company has a defense: they actually produce two blends of technically-beverage: "fireball cinnamon whisky," and the one they sell in gas stations, a malt liquor product which is just called "fireball cinnamon." just "fireball cinnamon?" never good when the label doesn't clarify what you're consuming. it's like when post cereal started selling "honey bunches of wouldn't you like to know?" meanwhile, in los angeles an adult store shopper tried to steal a 30-inch dildo. 30 inches?! so... about average. (applause) meanwhile, organization expert marie kondo has admitted that she's "kind of given up" on tidying up after having three

kids. oh, i am keeping this story. it sparks joy. (applause) meanwhile, news from a little place i like to call "colorado," where "a diva bear can't stop taking selfies on a wildlife cam." yass, bear! with a jawline like that, can you blame it? it's giving coy, it's giving smize, it's giving "hey, is that a chubby boy scout?" overall, the bear has returned to the same motion-activated wildlife cam to take over 400 bear selfies. it's impressive. very impressive. (applause) it's a photography technique known as "your aunt trying to figure out her ipad." meanwhile, a burger chain is switching to coca-cola, and pepsi fans are furious.

that is crazy. what is a "pepsi-fan"? the switch comes from wisconsin-based burger chain culver's, best known for its cheese curds, the infamous bacon deluxe, and something called the butter burger. you know their motto: culver's? "sir? sir? oh, god! is anyone here a doctor?" something, something. (applause) meanwhile, james dolan, the owner of the new york knicks, has come under fire recently for using facial recognition software to prevent lawyers who are currently suing his company from entering madison square garden. that's so petty. but that's just one of the problems with that venue. what about the name? "madison square garden?" it's none of those things! it should be called "8th avenue-circular-basketball-dog show-hut with train below!"

the new york attorney general is trying to crack down on dolan, and they've threatened to withhold m.s.g.'s liquor license. well, in response, james dolan has threatened to not serve alcohol at an upcoming rangers game. even worse, dolan has threatened to serve more alcohol at billy joel concerts. (drunk singing) something something something maryland moon roof ♪ ♪ ♪ land marry bernstein, meanwhile, a california woman who, at 115, is now the world's oldest person, says the key to longevity is to "stay away from toxic people." adding, "drink a lot of water, take long walks, and cut trifling (bleep) out of your posse." (cheering and applause) >> stephen: louis you know

that. >> ain't nobody got time for that. >> stephen: that's right. meanwhile, in transportation news, a texas d.m.v. rejected a vegan license plate. apparently, the vanity plate was flagged for a vulgar phrase, because it was supposed to say "love tofu," but it looked like "love to f.u." (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: it's an easy mistake. if you want to show off your love of vegan food without any sexual innuendo, i suggest "yumnuts." we'll be right back with jessica chastain. ♪ ♪ ♪ (vo) red lobster's finer points of fun dining: at lobsterfest, whether you're a sea-foodie or a lobster newbie, there's something for everyone. try one of six dishes, like new lobster and shrimp tacos for $17.99. and leave completely lobsessed. welcome to fun dining.

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from the first-ever triple action sleep supplement. to daily digestive support. to more wellness solutions every day. get more with nature's bounty. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight as an academy award-winning actor and producer, who has starred in "the eyes of tammy faye," "zero dark thirty," and "the help." she's now returning to broadway in "a doll's house." please welcome back to "the late show," jessica chastain. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

>> wow am what an audience! hi everybody. my voice is, i was saying it's very kathleen turner this evening, very low. >> stephen: well, we'll just take it easy and slow. there's no need to yell, we have microphones. >> i was so moved by your enthusiasm of your audience, very sweet! (applause) >> stephen: now, it's march will be a year since you won your academy award for "the ice of tammy fae." but long before that your credits were law and order, er guest responds and we know that we found an old resume of yours. first of all i love that photo of yours, what are you 25 or so? is. >> before i realized i could you

put makeup on mylo surprised all th time. i want to fact-check some of these. because i was a young actor and i put all kinds of stuff on my resume. >> all right. >> stephen: it's very impressive already, you've done some lovely work here but under special skills, irish, standard british, soprano, miscellaneous skills, patty, swimmer. >> avenue tar.

avatar. >> not an avatar. doctor kick boxing? >> no. >> stephen: yoga? >> i can do yoga. >> stephen: it says wiggles, ears and nose. >> i'll do my nose first. okay? no? on bee witched. >> stephen: not bad, not bad samantha. >> i don't know how toe ears. >> stephen: i can wiggle this one. >> how about that one? >> stephen: this one i can only do this with. see that? >> ladies love it. >> stephen: that's how i got the girls. i like this one. roller-skating. >> yeah, we all, do you remember like the roller king? when growing up were you going to the roller king? >> stephen: i went to red wing roller way. >> sure. i put that on skill because i've done it before. >> stephen: you put it on skill, have roller skated before. >> i put roller skating special skills. one of my first films, jolene, i

have to roller skate. >> stephen: it's on the thing. >> they had to get a double for me. the very first shot, it's not me. when you actually see me they push me and i'm like -- >> stephen: really? ayes ak newton was in the driver's seat that was it? >> that that's my entrance in the big screen. >> stephen: did anybody ever ask you to wiggle your ears and your nose in auditions? >> that was a conversation starter. >> stephen: one of the first things that goes, there you go. but it's always important, every actor lies on their -- every actor lies that's like a given that they're lying on their resumes. mine said, i can act. you're about to be back on

broadway. ten years right? you were on the harris ten years ago. when you were announcing the play you said on instagram, new york is the city that formed me. how did it form you jessica chastain? >> big question. i'm the first person to go to college in my family, i got accepted to the julliard school in new york. first place, i love this school! (applause) >> it's the first city i saw a foreign cinema in the movie theater and these museums and it really shaped me as a human being. >> stephen: were you from a little town? >> i was from northern california. and we didn't have like cinemas for, you know, foreign movies. and julliard gave me -- robin williams gave me a scholarship at julliard. >> stephen: robin williams?

lovely. did you get a chance to thank him personally? >> i wrote him a letter to thank him. we were supposed to do it at the west end april, 2020, and the pandemic hit, obviously life, world had other plans and i was walking around new york and times square and missing all these people that helped create me in some sense and my heart went out to the city, it's like i can't leave my home. and i called jamie and i said please can we bring it to new york. he was happy to bring it here so yeah, that's why we're here. (applause) >> stephen: we're lucky enough to be in an old broadway theater to do the show. it's a privilege to do it here. what does broadway mean to you? >> i used to be a kid, i'm going to get emotional, feeling very fragile. because of my voice. >> stephen: please. >> i would like record the tonies and play it back all

throughout the year, i remember watching when ray fienes won a tony on broadway, i imagined the other life i was going to have. so to be here it feels like it sounds chiezy but what that little girl was imagining is now manifested. >> stephen: i understand you had a ritual you would say to yourself before the heir he heirist. >> i would say jessica this is what you wanted, you chose this. don't be afraid of it, go into it. >> stephen: that's beautiful, that's beautiful. you chose this. it chose you back. come by, my wife likes to say when things get particularly crazy in my career, she says,

the life you ordered has arrived. >> that's beautiful. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break but we'll be jessicn everybody, don't go anywhere. the r rel i don'think so. ahh maybe i'm just hun something smells great. don't i need to sign something? oh yeah over 12 weeks of freshness. you gotta sniff it to believe it.

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey everybody we're back here with the star of

"a doll's house" on broadway, jessica chastain. the hudson is where the tonight show started. steve allen started originally in the hudson theater. >> it's an amazing theater. >> stephen: what do you do to make your dressing room yours? >> it depends on the character i'm playing. this one they're painting the same color as the set, because norah is quiet and stuck in the world and i want to feel like i'm in the world already but i also want to be inspired by the women that have come before me so usually i have a lot of photographs of actresses, isabel hu bert and van sa red graif, katherine deneuve who i have

sadly not yet had thepportunityt teemaomenwho have been so monumn my growth as a human being, looking at their faces it makes me people like i can do more. so that's exciting to see before i go on stage. >> stephen: any snacks, any refreshments you need? >> also a foot massager. not a person, exactly. a machine. i definitely have a foot massager, humidifier. blanton's bourbon. very specific for that, has to be blanton's. >> stephen: there you go. >> hard to find sometimes. >> stephen: not in my office, it's not. now this production of "a doll's house" is an adaptation of the 19th century ibsen play. to be direct about it, norah is trapped with torval. what's so different about that? >> so wonderful about this

adaptation written by amy herzog, jamie lloyd is the reason he brought me back to the theater. as we were looking at the theater, yes she was trapped when that play was written. why are we telling the story now? how in some sense is norah trapped in society and how is she participating in her entrapment? how is she behaving in a certain way to gain power? and it's a scary thing to decide like okay, i'm going to stop behaving in this way, that you see value in, in order to figure out who i really am. and i think that's important for women even today. when we think about where the value lies. >> stephen: so do you mean in this case is it the value or the power of her position as the wife of torval?

>> yes, also as t helpless sweet child like little bird. i mean if you look at throughout even in our cinema, marilyn monroe, you think about all these incredible women sometimes have had to make themselves smaller in order to be desired or valued. and what happens when you actually say no, i'm going to use my full voice and i'm going to take off this face. >> stephen: previews start the week of valentine's day. is it a good way? >> i think it is because valentine's day i think has been co-opted by people who want to sell cople's things. i think valentine's day should be more about love. people celebrate their friendships and women give them to their children and yes to our

partners as well. but if we can use valentine's day as something like self love i think it's the perfect valentine's day play. >> stephen: sounds lovely. (applause) >> stephen: lovely to see you again, thank you so much for being here jessica. previews of "a doll's house" start february 13 at the hudson theater. jessica chastain, everybody. we'll be right back with "new york times" best-selling author jay shetty. i'm lindsey vonn, and ever since i retired from skiing, i've had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep— you know, insomnia. before i found quviviq, an fda-approved insomnia medication for adults, you would not believe the things i used to think about when i couldn't sleep. hey, linds. i need you to sign this business contract. all 114 pages. lindsey! lindsey! hey, lindsey! it's workout time. hey, big man, we're in the middle of something here. yeah, it's called physical fitness. just a couple dozen more questions, lindsey. don't forget to pack your phone charger for tomorrow morning's flight.

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welcome back. ladies and gentlemen. my next guest is a former monk, a "new york times" best-selling author, and the host of the popular podcast, "on purpose." his new book is "8 rules of love: how to find it, keep it, and let it go." please welcome to "the late show," jay shetty. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. thank you for having me. v. >> stephen: very well-known person now. you're a podcaster, a social media superstar. but you had a slightly different

occupation not that long ago. this was it. you were a monk. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: well, what did you do? like catholic monks make cheese and brandy. they pray a lot. >> no cheese, no brandy. we used to work up at 4 a.m., take a cold shower, immediate you take it, you wear two sets of clothes, everything you possess fits inside a gym locker. >> stephen: you sleep on thepf? >> a yoga mat. you lose your idea of how you look. >> stephen: you look very happy, i have to say. it look like a happy lifestyle. how long were you a monk? >> for three years. it was a spectacular experience, getting to invest in my self for three years in a deep way has really paid dividends. >> stephen: are you supposed to stay forever?

>> i thought i was going to stay forever. leaving for me was really challenging. i moved back into my parents home. >> stephen: which is harder moving into your parents home or being a monk? >> being a monk. you only get two sets of clothes and if you don't wash everyone knows. >> stephen: eight rules of love, i'm curious, but what is the value of this esthetic lifestyle, i'm curious. >> by 30 odo this, by 40 do this, by 50 do this. >> stephen: how much stuff do you have? >> by three years to not worry about worries or expectations, to be able to hear my inner voice was a beautiful pursuit. (applause) >> stephen: what motivated

you to leave? when did you say like okay, i got what i need out of this or there is some other calling for me right now? >> i almost think like the monks had a breakup conversation with me, it's not you, it's me, that sort of conversation. they realized i had this rebellious spark in me where i wanted to do things differently, share things in modern accessible relevant ways, ways that would impact a lot of people and i believe i came to the conclusion that after three years i wasn't a monk. that was a beautiful revelation to me. >> stephen: as i said before you're a star on social media, a star on social media comes with a lot of likes. >> yes. >> stephen: how do you make sure that that aspect of social media doesn't corrupt you spiritually, so you're not worried whether people like you? >> yeah well-being married

helps. my wife is the best humbling and grounding force in my life. no matter how many likes i get. (applause) >> no matter how many likes i get on social media my wife's more impressed if i did the laundry clean the dishes like organize things at home. so that's where i get the points at home. that's the likes at home. >> stephen: you've just written this new book as i said before, eight rules of love, how to find it keep it and let it go. what aspects of your own love life, of any flavor, have you learned the most? >> so i want to tell you this story of how i proposed to my wife. >> stephen: okay. >> and so what i did was, i'd lined up this extravagant big gesture of love. so we're walking down the bank of the thames in london.

this a capella group sings, this bruno mars song, and i asked her will you marry me? she said yes. any table, i had to fight for that table. our dinner came in it was cold because it was from a restaurant far away. tried to eat what we could, it wasn't that great. we walked and the corner and to her surprise there was a white horse drawn carriage ready to take us around london. we jumped in. she's shouting out she's engaged. i had already asked permission of her parents of course, her mom and dad opened the door, all of a sudden their excitement turns to fear and they look at her and they say what happened to you, are you okay? what did he do? that was the day that i realized that my wife was allergic to horses. when we got back she was covered

in hives like all over. everything was all right, the hives went away, but i built a picture of what love should be, from pictures and movies, the thing my wife would have cared about most was the quality of the food and i messed that up. and i didn't realize she didn't need that horse drawn carriage. that proposal could have been anyone's and everyone's. that froam of love we have to define it for ourselves, it's so specific. (applause) >> stephen: you say how to find it how to keep it and let it go. when do we let it go? why would we let it go? >> yeah well i think a lot of people out there have been made to feel that we're inquad and unworthy when we don't have love in our life especially romantic love and i find that we sometimes have to let go of love

naturally, when someone we love levers naturally. or when it no longer hems us be what, if we fall out of love with ourselves in order to love someone else, it's time to go. >> stephen: you can't be the person you are meant to be to be with that person. these are scenarios of some people i know of and i want to give some vice in -- advice in relationships. i knew a couple in high school they had a summer fling, summer love, they wanted to become more serious, how would you help them get together like rama lamba lamb a. >> tell me more, tell me more. >> stephen: does very a car? >> does very a car? >> stephen: the book is, eight rules of love, the man is

jay shetty. we'll be right back. notes notes notes notes notes notes notes ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ does your vitamin c last 24 hours? only nature's bounty does. with immune 24 hour plus you get longer-lasting vitamin c

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>> stephen: hey, everybody. that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow, when my guest will be harrison ford. stick around for james. good night. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready, y'all to have some fun ♪ grab your lunch pail andv to the park ♪ meet me under a tree and we'll jam ♪ it's a great night

♪ it's "the late late show" >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from